What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 10:44
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
I write beautiful poetry .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My family never makes their pension either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And i lived it daily.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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Would this be the day?
She found it foreign!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why is my ex still keeping in touch with me even though she dumped me?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I said to her
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I couldn’t, believe it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We all went to grammer schools
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I think the readers, may guess!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But, we were locked up after school.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Especially a lifetime of it.
He knew the spot.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I don,t even have a pension.
We were not on the streets..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was very sick at this time too.
I will be 64.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was 9 years of age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She married twice! .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
All the time i was locked up.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was seconnd youngest,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was in good health!
Who then, do I blame.?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was scared of men, in general
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She loved him until the end.
My life is so biszare .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She wouldn,t have been !
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Put me off passion for life!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I waited trembling.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So whats the point in blame.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ive learnt so much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Comes on , in middle age.
But it wasn’t much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
What did i know ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It was going to be , some day.
When she asked me how she looked .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is soul school!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..